Protect and Survive
by sdbubbles
Summary: A year after "The Ghost of You," yet another face from Serena's past turns her life upside down. But can she convince herself and everyone else that she did the right thing all those years ago? "You chose to turn away from fear, breathing free." - Protect and Survive by Runrig.
1. Shocked

**A/N: So this, my friends, is a sequel to "The Ghost of You," set a year later - Serena's still scarred, she and Ric are together and Chantelle's still suffered with Serena in all of it. If you haven't read that, you probably should before reading this or it might not make much sense. But I hope this goes as I planned it. Nothing ever does though.**

**Sarah x**

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"James Swinley, forty-eight," Chantelle said brightly, taking Serena over to the bed. She was proud of the young nurse for how far she'd come in the past year – they'd fought and survived together, and Serena intended it to remain as such. "Mr. Spence _thinks _it's a liver problem but the scans didn't show much worth seeing."

"I see," Serena smiled. A woman she assumed was his wife stood next to James, staring at Serena. She just smiled up at the woman as she felt James' abdomen. Serena rattled off the usual tests to Chantelle, her mind trying to work out if Michael's suspicions were founded.

"Serena McKinnie?" the woman asked as Serena turned her back to them. No-one had called her that in years. Not since she'd been married. Not since she cut all ties with everyone to save herself.

"Serena Campbell," she corrected as she turned with a smile, not mentioning her maiden name was McKinnie.

"You don't recognise me?" the woman asked, pushing her thick curly blonde hair behind her ears. Serena quickly racked her memory but had no recollection of a tall, skinny blonde.

"No, sorry," she smiled, her hand automatically coming up to touch the scar on her throat, as she always did in an uncomfortable situation. "Should I?" she added, definitely confused. She didn't know this woman. How could she? She left a whole life behind for a new one over and over again, and never really made any lasting ties until now.

"Mariah?" she smiled at Serena. "Mariah Martin?"

Serena felt herself rooted to the spot. She'd not heard of, or even thought of, that name in years. She'd blocked it out for its connection with her torment. Everything came flooding back, the good and the bad, and she didn't know what to do. In fairness, what happened was not Mariah's fault, and Serena knew that. But she was a connection, and connections were the things she was desperately trying to avoid.

She recognised the thick, unruly curls and the green eyes now. She didn't say anything. She _couldn't_ say anything. She was shocked; she just walked away and hid in her office, just waiting for Chantelle to grass her up to Ric. This felt all too familiar. The last time someone from the past was on her ward, she nearly died. Chantelle was abducted and attacked. Eleanor discovered everything Serena never wanted her to know. For those reasons, she was wary now.

She sat there, just thinking and remembering, for a good half an hour. She felt incredibly uneasy by that woman's presence on her ward. She ran her fingers through her hair, trying to clear her mind. She tried to believe she'd fooled Mariah, but she doubted it. She looked at the scar on her arm, remembering how she'd got it. How she'd nearly died a year ago. How she'd tried to run away. How it had all come back to haunt her. The ghost of him still followed her, but always in the background, only ever showing himself when she felt lost and vulnerable, as a reminder of the potential evil in everyone.

She jumped when the door opened, having been lost in her own little universe. She stood up and tried to look composed, hoping Ric hadn't heard yet. He came over to her; she clearly looked worse than she'd hoped. He stroked her cheek lightly and asked, "Are you alright, Serena?"

"Yeah," she smiled. "I'm fine. I'm just tired."

"You slept fine last night," he reminded her, and she could have hardly forgotten anyway. It had been the first time in months she'd gone through the night without waking. She knew he wasn't stupid; he become accustomed to her shutting out the painful parts of her life. He could tell something was bothering – of that, she was more than sure.

He leaned in and kissed her gently, his hands taking hers. She smiled against his lips as she realised what he was up to. "That's not going to work," she sighed. He didn't stop, and she didn't mind. She'd overcome any fear of him, realising he wasn't like Fraser in any way. "You're not going to kiss it out of me, as much fun as it is to try," she told him, pulling back. "It's nothing, OK? I'm just being silly."

"Try me," he smiled. His concern touched her and she felt a lump forming in her throat; she didn't know why she was so sensitive about this. It was just yet another reminder, just like what she saw in the mirror every day.

"Mariah M-Swinley," she corrected herself, remembering the woman was married now.

He thought for a moment and asked, "James Swinley's wife?" She nodded, and Serena felt her eyes sting with tears. She didn't even know why. Mariah had never hurt her. She'd never told Mariah. She never spoke about him to her. She never once mentioned Mariah's step-brother to her after that. She just kept silent and disappeared.

"Serena?" Ric said, more urgently this time. His hands were resting on her arms, as if he was ready to pull her into a cuddle if it was called for. "Who is she?"

"She was my best friend, Ric," she answered, finally looking him in the eyes. She felt her heart break a little as she admitted it. "She was my best friend, and I disappeared on her. And I just lied to her," she added. "I told her I wasn't Serena McKinnie, when I knew what she meant."

Ric sighed with a sad smile. "Come here," he ordered her, pulling her into his strong arms. She let him hold her tight, never once having to question him. That was why she loved him; she trusted him not to hurt her. She was amazed that, after everything, after trust issues destroyed both her and her marriage, she found someone to love and trust.

There was a knock on the door, and Chantelle came in. "Ms. Campbell, Mr. Hanssen wants to see you out here," she announced, looking rather worried. Serena glanced at Ric, wondering what had been said about her. Had Mariah been shooting her mouth off? Or had she said something to Chantelle?

She followed, regardless of her misgiving, to the nurses' station, where Hanssen was staring at the computer screen with an odd expression. "What's going on?" she asked, going round to look over his shoulder.

"Does this mean anything to you, Ms. Campbell?" he asked her, glancing over at Mariah, who looked very guilty sitting by her husband's bed. What on Earth was going on _now_? It seemed there was always something or other unfolding. And even a year after her past was dredged up, she and Chantelle both still struggled with the consequences.

"Missing persons?" she read the icon on the screen. Why would he ask about missing persons? "I've never reported anyone missing before."

She read further and felt her heart beating faster and faster. She looked up over the screen and saw Mariah watching her. What? What was this? Serena couldn't get her head around it. Ric came up behind her, and she looked at him briefly as he looked over her shoulder, his arms subconsciously loose around her waist – everyone knew they were together and she didn't care – and she felt his head move to see her face when he read the monitor. She turned her own head and met his eyes.

Could they all see the confusion in her? Could they see the fear of her past being brought to the surface yet again? Could they see that she didn't know, in her own mind, what was going on right now?

Serena met Chantelle's eyes, and saw that worried look. That worried look she'd seen in her the last time all this was dragged up. It always set her nerves on edge. "Serena?" she asked. "Is this right?"

"I-" Serena stuttered, unable to rearrange her thoughts so they made some sense. "I don't understand," she said. "How could that-" she began, but it was a stupid question. "I mean, what's going-" she faltered. Again, another idiotic question.

"I would've thought it was obvious," Hanssen said. "There it is, in black and white, so to speak."

"Serena," Ric said into her ear. "According to this, you've been missing since 1994."

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**Hope this is OK!  
Please feel free to review and tell me your thoughts!  
Sarah x**


	2. Little Serena McKinnie

**A/N: Thanks for all the positive reviews for the first chapter :)**

**Sarah x**

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"Ms. Campbell, I'd like to speak to you, if you don't mind," Hanssen said, and fear washed over Serena. What was he going to do? What punishment would she receive for running? "In private," he added, a dangerous glint in his eye. She took Ric's arms from her waist and followed Hanssen, surprised he was heading up to his own office rather than hers.

Another thing that surprised her, though, was that he wasn't striding through the corridors. He was keeping to her pace, as if he was letting her collect her thoughts before being grilled for answers she knew Hanssen needed before the press got hold of this. He needed to be able to answer their questions, because there was no way this would be kept quiet. The attack last year had been well-publicised, much to Serena and Chantelle's disgust, so another incident involving Serena Campbell was not going to go unnoticed.

But he had many questions, and Serena was finding she had very few answers. She knew Mariah was in some way connected. That was it. That was the only answer she had to give him.

Hanssen opened the door and sat down in his chair. "Sit down," he gestured to the chair on the other side of the desk.

"No, thanks," she said, and she couldn't keep that defensive ice out of her tone. She couldn't stay still. She paced, up and down and up and down, waiting for him to speak.

"Serena," he sighed. Now they were in private, she knew he had no problem with using her first name, being more understanding. She'd been surprised by the way he'd stepped up in this past year, keeping her sane when everyone else failed. His logic was always impeccable, and sometimes it was her saving grace. "Can you explain it?"

She just shrugged her shoulders. How could she give him an answer, nineteen years after she'd registered missing?

"Do you know why?"

She had a fair idea, but shrugged anyway, not wanting her boss to know she'd been cowering half her life.

"What are you going to do about it?" he asked more sternly. She felt something snap and ended up finally speaking.

"How the _hell_ can I do anything about it when I had no idea anyone ever reported me missing?!" she bellowed, her temper finally breaking. "Go on, tell me, Henrik! Come up with one of your bright ideas!"

"How can you fail to notice you were reported missing?" he demanded. "Since 1994, I know for a fact you've had a child, been married and divorced, left and returned to the UK on several occasions, graduated from Harvard University, passed your consultants' exams and most recently acquired a management position in this hospital," he listed, his voice turning deadly. "How can you do all of those things and never know you're on the missing persons' register?"

"Well, I don't know!" she shouted. "Nobody ever approached me! I never heard anything on the news, or saw anything in the papers. It was before the time of mobile phones and computers and tablets, so nobody could email me or text me or anything. How the bloody hell was I meant to know?"

"It is not easy to just vanish, Serena," he told her. "It takes effort. I know that much."

"Just because I wanted to disappear does not mean I knew anyone was looking for me!" she yelled. "I made myself invisible before I left!" she added angrily. She hadn't meant to say it but there was no taking it back.

"Calm down," he said placidly.

"Calm down?!" she repeated. "I'm sorry, but seeing a twenty-year-old picture of myself on a missing persons site is not something I can just brush off."

"I didn't ask you to brush it off," he reminded her, getting out of his chair. "I asked you for an explanation, but I think it's quite clear you can't come up with one. That is not your fault," he added when she opened her mouth to argue her innocence. "But it does need dealt with."

He tilted his head slight, and she could tell he was trying and failing to read what she was thinking and feeling. She let her guard down and brought her hand to her mouth, attempting to curb both the urge to release her shocked tears and the urge to throw up. She felt sick to her stomach. "Does Ms. Campbell need a hug?" he gave her a light smile, much to her surprise. What an odd way to put it.

"No," she answered. "I think little Serena McKinnie might need one, though," she confessed. She almost laughed at bizarreness of this conversation. She couldn't believe it when he actually, however awkwardly, put his arms around her. She had to smile; only Henrik Hanssen would actually doubt how to hug someone. She had to feel sort of sorry for the man. He obviously had nobody. She was lucky enough to have found Ric in the process of facing everything she hated about her life.

"We'll figure this out," he assured her gently. "Between all of us, we'll straighten it out. But I'm afraid you may have to draw on that incredible strength of yours once more while we do it."

"I think all of my strength may have been lost the last time," she admitted to her self-doubt. She felt him rub her back soothingly and smiled into his chest once more. These were the things she couldn't tell Ric; she was terrified of frightening him with any sudden change, so she forced her behaviour to remain as consistent as she could make it.

"Nonsense," he scolded her lightly. "There's a reason nobody wants an argument with you." He put her at arms' length and smiled down on her. "We _will_ deal with this, alright? But first, it seems evident that you must have a conversation with Mariah Swinley."

"I can't," she immediately said. "I can't do it."

"Why?" he asked her gently. "What is it about the prospect that frightens you?"

"I'd have to explain, Henrik," she told him. "I'd have to tell her what her step-brother did."

"She is Fraser Pickering's step-sister?"

"Yes," Serena said, with more urgency than she'd intended. "She won't believe me. "

"She will," he reassured her. "She will have seen the news, and the trial, and that he is now in prison."

"That was only reported locally," Serena contradicted him. "The last time her husband was seen in hospital was two months ago, and they'd lived in Surrey that whole time. She won't know, Henrik. How am I meant to say those things to her?"

"You have to be brave," he told her.

"I'm sick of having to be brave," she said bitterly. It was true. She was tired of having to be strong and constantly fight everything off. Why couldn't she just have a calm, normal life? With her daughter and...whatever Ric was to her at the moment. Why couldn't everything just go away and leave her alone? Just because she survived, that didn't mean she liked doing it.

The look in Hanssen's eyes wasn't one of annoyance. It wasn't even one of pity. It was one of belief. Belief in _her_. She didn't feel she deserved it. She wasn't as strong as they all thought. She felt that maybe she'd been broken one too many times. Maybe this was more than she could take. The shock of seeing her younger self on the screen had not worn off yet, and she was doubting she could find a way around this one. Did that mean she had to go through it instead?

"I can't do it," she said again. "I just can't do it."

"You can," he replied. "Would you like one of us to be there?" She looked up at him again, hardly believing he was offering that. She'd never thought he had that kind of compassion in him.

"No," she said. "No, I'll be alright." She didn't add that she had no intentions of doing it in the first place. She just let him think she was strong enough to do it herself. They all had to think she was strong and unbreakable, or she was nothing. And she couldn't let them see _that_.

"If you need us, you know where we are," he reminded her. She just smiled and left. When she opened the door, she was startled to find Ric leaning against the wall, texting on his phone. He'd waited for her.

"Ric," she breathed.

"Serena," he said as she closed the door. "What's he doing about it?"

"Nothing," she replied. "I think we're assuming Mariah is going to report it to the police that I've been found. Which, of course, means the press will be all over this, me being executive director of the hospital and everything," she sighed.

"We'll get through whatever they throw at us," he assured her, his smile soft. "We always do." He put an arm around her waist and led her to the lift. "You'd better tell Michael. He'll be worried."

Of course Michael was going to be worried. Michael hadn't stopped worrying about her for a year. It was irritatingly sweet. And then there was Jac Naylor. The woman who cared about nothing and no-one had found someone she cared about. Serena and Jonny had become something to Jac, she'd discovered.

She sighed and thought about what was going to happen. She refused to speak to Mariah. The sense of self-preservation in her wouldn't allow it. As she got in the lift, she found she felt drained and lifeless once more. She was tired of this before it even began. She groaned and leaned in against Ric, hoping he could see how she felt so she didn't have to say it.

"I love you," she whispered to him, in case he ever doubted it when she yelled at him and told him to leave her alone. She'd developed an unfortunate habit of pushing him out when she felt vulnerable and hurt.

"I know," he said into her hair. "I love you too."

The doors opened to reveal Keller. Chantelle looked troubled as she stared at the same computer screen as Hanssen had been at. Malick looked like he wanted to say something to her when she met his eyes across the ward. Mariah was nowhere to be seen and her husband looked rather confused, the poor man.

Serena looked at Chantelle again and felt some irritation. She stalked over and turned the monitor of the computer off, briefly seeing the photo of herself before she did so. Chantelle looked up and Serena glared down at her. Instead of getting annoyed, though, the young blonde took Serena's hand and squeezed lightly, reiterating that she was not alone.

It felt like they were all staring at her, like they were all wondering what she'd done this time. She hated the feeling of being watched. She felt invaded upon.

She watched as Mariah strode onto the ward, putting her phone in her back pocket.

Serena looked down at Chantelle and groaned, "This should be fun."

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**Hope this is OK!  
Please feel free to leave a review and tell me what you think!  
Sarah x**


	3. Trace The Memory In Your Eyes

**A/N: Thanks to everyone who has read and reviewed :) Much appreciated. Hope this is an alright chapter - not entirely sure about the whole Jonny thing.**

**Sarah x**

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Serena wandered the corridors aimlessly, though she constantly avoided one certain hallway. She didn't know what to do. Just when all of this had begun to fade into the background of her life, that _woman_ turned up and spun her world the wrong way around. She needed to forget. She needed something to dull the madness.

She looked around, finding she was on the ground floor. Just outside AAU. She swung the doors open with confidence she didn't possess, and looked around her. Michael was in the back corner, Gemma at bed seven, Chrissie at bed four, Sacha obsessing over the computer. She went to sit in Michael's office, remembering the things said and done here. How she'd backed into the wall, fearing Michael would hurt her and begged him not to. How she'd hugged the departed Eddi McKee, warning her to keep out of harm's way. Hanssen telling her to stay put and making the conscious decision to lie to him and go searching for her worst nightmare.

She opened his top drawer and found a bottle of whisky; she'd long since learned to tolerate the awful taste when she realised how hard forgetting could be. She knew it was wrong, but she couldn't very well walk out of the hospital without getting caught. The next option was getting drunk, and praying no-one found her.

She slipped the bottle under her arm, hiding it under her long shirt. She shut the door behind her, trying not to look as guilty as she felt. "Everything alright, Ms. Campbell?"

"Yeah, fine," she painted a smile on her face, out of nothing more than habit. "I'd like to speak to Michael though. It's quite important."

"Sure," Sacha smiled. "I'll just take over from him," he added, walking away. Serena hid the bottle of whisky under the mess of files at the nurses' station and turned to wait for Michael. It wasn't long before the cocky American approached her with a broad friendly grin.

"What's up?" he asked. She sighed and leaned against the desk, wondering how she was meant to explain it.

"Right," she groaned. "I thought – well, Ric thought – I ought to tell you before it gets spread around the county," she began. "Remember Fraser Pickering?" she asked.

"As if I could forget what he put you through," Michael said, his face twisted into an expression of total disgust.

"Well, his step-sister has appeared on Keller."

"Oh, the joys."

"And it transpires that she reported me missing in 1994," Serena confessed, searching his face for a reaction to this news. He didn't say anything so she kept speaking. "I never knew, but she told Hanssen. I think she was trying to prove that I was who she thought," she rambled on.

"So, what, your name is on the missing persons' register?" he asked, obviously confused.

"As Serena McKinnie," she explained. "With a picture of me at a party when I was twenty-five."

"Oh, I have gotta see this," he grinned. She glared at him and he immediately said, "Sorry. That was inappropriate."

"No, do you think?" she sneered sarcastically, not entirely sure why she was taking all of this out on a man who was always going to try and save her. "Look, the point is, I don't want to answer any ridiculous questions, alright? Not until I know the answers myself."

"You talked to this woman yet?" Michael asked. Serena didn't answer, mainly because she knew he didn't need to hear her say it to know. "Didn't think so. You know you gotta do it, right?"

She just walked away from him, leaving the bottle of whisky where she'd hidden it. She couldn't bear to hear another person try and tell her she had to confront yet another ghost trying to haunt her. She stalked out of AAU, deciding to go to Albie's and buy a bottle of wine and hide in the corner, contemplating her miserable existence. She'd made attempts at happiness before – marriage being the most misguided of her efforts – but nothing ever really stuck for her. There was always a reminder of the evil in every single person.

When she reached the bar, she asked and paid for a bottle of wine and a single glass. The young barmaid seemed worried for her, a lone woman ordering a whole bottle of wine in the afternoon with no intentions of sharing it with anyone. Serena knew her true intentions must have been blindingly obvious but she didn't really care much for what others thought of her.

She took what she bought to the table in the back corner, pouring herself a generous glass. She wanted it to wash today's shock and pain away, which it was doing perfectly well. But as it did so, quick film cuts from twenty years ago began to replay themselves in her mind, made hazy by time and alcohol combined.

She remembered the days of being a junior doctor, and early mornings and late nights and short skirts and binge drinking and getting lost on the wrong side of town. Her best friend, her flatmate, the fair, elegant Mariah Martin, by her side every day and night. Mariah, by that point, was a trainee nurse on the ward Serena was placed on, so as fellow girls at the bottom of the food chain, they'd inevitably found a bond and quickly became friends.

The clubbing and pub crawling, the insane food dares, the whole nights out where neither of them paid for a single drink themselves. The best of friends. Closer than sisters. In a time where Serena was removed from the safety of her family, Mariah had been her saving grace. Mariah's step-brother too. The kind brotherly love Fraser gave them both meant they never felt alone.

All that was fine and good until one night it all went wrong. Serena had been tired and uptight, revising for an assessment she was due to take the next morning. Eleven o'clock at night, she and Mariah had realised they'd not eaten since midday, so the young nurse had left Serena and Fraser to go to the nearest takeaway.

She recalled how Fraser had come bounding down the stairs, asking where Mariah had gone, and how she'd answered with nothing more than her destination, concentrating too hard on her studies to give any more information without losing her train of thought – the twenty-six-year-old Serena McKinnie had not been as disciplined as Serena Campbell all these years later.

The clothes she'd worn that night had been nothing special; leggings and a jumper, her hair in a scruffy, loose knot, the shorter strands framing her pale, tired face. She remembered him telling her she was pretty, and her ignoring him, trying to concentrate on what she was reading.

The line being crossed. Him touching her face from the sofa as she'd been keeling on the floor over the coffee table. His strong hands on her arms. Her telling him to stop. Trying to throw away his grasp. Being dragged up by the elbows, protesting the whole time.

"Ms. Campbell?"

A man's voice, heavily accented, pulled her from her past, and she realised she was drunk. The bottle was empty. She looked up and vaguely recognised, with a sense of deja vu, Jonny Maconie standing over her looking troubled beyond his years.

"You do realise you missed your theatre slot and half the hospital's looking for you?" he asked, and she saw that concerned look on his face yet again. "Oh, for Christ's sake," he sighed. "You're drunk, aren't you?"

"Hmmm," she groaned, finding herself incapable of stringing a proper sentence together. "Maybe."

"Of course you are," he said. "Come on. Time for you to sleep this off. Come with me."

"No," she replied as he tried to help her to her feet, pulling her arm from his gentle hand.

"You really think I'm going to hurt you?" he challenged her with the knowledge he wouldn't have got within a million miles of Jac Naylor had the defensive redhead perceived him as a danger to her safety. "Come on, Serena," he ordered her with her first name.

"Ric," she managed to say, but she couldn't work out her words to say what she wanted. Her alcohol-confused brain was working at a snail's pace.

"Do you want me to get him for you?"

"No," she said.

"Alright," he sighed, helping her to her feet. "I'll sweet talk Jac into letting you sleep in the Darwin on-call room then."

He helped her back to the hospital, sneaking her up to the lift, and getting in, leaving them alone for a short while. They got out at the sixth floor and Serena felt Jonny guide her to the on call room, but not before they were caught by the ever-watchful Jac Naylor. He sat her on the bed and closed the door before leaving, but she still heard the conversation that followed.

"What's going on, Jonny?" she heard Jac demand.

"You know how Hanssen told anyone who wasn't needed in theatre or on the ward to look for Serena Campbell? I found her drunk at Albie's."

"How drunk?"

"Drunk enough she can only say the words _no_ and _Ric_."

"We'll have to let her sober up," Jac's worried voice sighed. "Hanssen and Ric can't get to know. And she needs a babysitter."

"Tara?"

Jac laughed and said, "No. Serena would eat that one alive. You'll have to do it. I can get Mary-Claire to cover you."

"You are kidding?" Jonny almost yelped. Serena was almost amused; why was everyone scared of her when she was too intoxicated to be frightening? "She doesn't like me."

"That doesn't matter. You just have to get her to sleep and keep an eye on her. Something must've happened. She was doing so well up until now."

"You don't think she's been attacked again, do you?"

"No," Jac said cautiously, "but I do think she's been spooked again."

"And you want me to look after her?!" Jonny argued with his girlfriend. "Wouldn't a woman be better?"

"No. You're the best person for it, Jonny. You're sensitive enough but you won't let her walk all over you. Please, Jonny," Jac said.

Jonny, caving at Jac's pleading tone, groaned and said, "Fine. You owe me."

"Thanks."

The door opened and Serena blearily met his eyes. "Right, Ms. Campbell," he sighed. "I've been assigned babysitting duty. And I'm afraid it's either me or Tara Lo, and she'd be positively inept at this."

He bent down and unzipped her boots before standing her up to get the covers from underneath her. He sat her down, swung her legs around. Her head fell onto the pillow and he pulled the duvet over her, right up to her chin. She felt her body succumbing to alcohol. She felt tired, lifeless and yet terrified. She should have known alcohol only made everything worse in the end; she was drunk and she was still scared out of her mind.

Jonny pulled up a chair next to her and sat down, reaching out and brushing her hair out of her eyes. She looked at him, making out his unsettled expression and worried stance.

She began to fall asleep, alcohol taking her body over at last, whether she liked it or not. The last things she heard before she finally dropped of was Jonny's deeply Scottish voice singing her to sleep.

"_Now you search the open evening sky, trace the memory in your eyes,__ for the prophet's hard rain and deluge lies in tears around your door; once there were trees and livestock here_," he sang, and she found his deep voice calming. "_A mother's love, the warnings clear; you chose to turn away from fear, breathing free_," he continued, his hand stroking her cheek lightly. "_Once in a lifetime, you live and love; once in a lifetime, you die; once in a moment, the sun goes down; protect and survive, protect and survive_."

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**Hope this is OK!  
Please feel free to review and tell me your thoughts!  
Sarah x**


	4. Public Backing

**A/N: Thank you for all the reviews so far :) I've decided to involve Jac and Jonny quite a lot in this, because I would like to write them standing as a unit for a change.**

**Sarah x**

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Serena woke up, her head thumping. She brought her wrist up to look at her watch. Five in the afternoon. She was due to leave in an hour. She looked up to see that Jonny Maconie was watching her, a look of worry and caution on his face. "How're you feeling?" he asked gently, brushing her hair out of her eyes. She was surprised to find that Jonny didn't frighten her anymore; he was known for being as soft as putty, which was why he complimented Jac so well.

"Rotten," she muttered. She'd overdone it on the booze, she realised. Perhaps getting drunk really didn't solve much. She didn't try to get up yet; she felt really _odd_. Tired. Weak. Hungover. Over-stressed. At breaking point. Exhausted.

"Why'd you do it, eh?" he asked gently. "You were doing brilliantly, then you went and got yourself hammered." She realised he had no idea about who Fraser Pickering had been; he'd believed, like most others, he was just some insane patient. She hadn't pressed charges for what happened before. She'd only said about her experience with Chantelle, for which he'd been charged with a variety of crimes, including attempted rape and attempted murder.

"Long story," she whispered. The look her gave her was not one of pity as she'd been expecting; it was one of worry and care and bewilderment. But not pity. Maconie had learned that she didn't like pity, much like his fiery girlfriend.

"I've got as long as you need," he replied. There was a soft knock at the door and Jac walked in, sitting on the empty bedside table between Jonny and Serena.

"Sober yet?" she asked.

"Uh-huh," Serena moaned. "Just about."

"What the hell were you playing at?" Jac demanded, her tone firm but laced with care and concern for her friend. "You do know Hanssen would've hung you from a sixth floor window if he'd caught you drinking on duty?"

"Feel free to go and tell him then," Serena snapped. She only realised what she'd said when she looked at Jonny – he was shocked. He looked up at Jac, unnerved that Serena had said such a thing. She refused to take it back though. It was the representation of how she felt right now. "Will one of you please take me home? I'm well over the limit."

"Aye," Jonny said. "You don't need me here, do you?" he asked Jac.

"No, it's fine," she agreed. "Take the rest of your shift off. I'll see you at home," she smiled, leaning down to kiss him as she passed. Serena internally praised them; they'd come a long way in a year. They lived together now. Argued like cat and dog at times, but always came through it.

Left alone with Jonny, Serena realised she couldn't hide in the Darwin on-call room for the rest of her life, as appealing as that idea was at the moment. She groaned and started to get out of bed, leaning down to pick up her boots. Jonny was very patient with her, understanding that, for whatever reason, she wasn't in a good way at all.

She stood up, still a bit dizzy, Jonny's hand on her elbow as he gently kept her upright. "You need anything from Keller?"

"Ric will have taken my bag home. He was due to leave a few minutes ago," she sighed, letting Jonny guide her out of the room. He went to change out of his uniform and get his things, and emerged from the locker room in his usual jeans and sweater combo. In silence, they entered the lift, only to find Hanssen getting out. He didn't say anything, but gave her a tiny understanding smile, and she had a horrible feeling he knew where she'd been all this time but wasn't going to say anything.

As Jonny pressed the button, she was finding she wanted Hanssen to berate her for being weak. It would have made her listen. Or shout. Or argue. But she wouldn't be feeling like _this_.

She looked at anything but Jonny as the lift began it's descent, and she briefly wondered if Ric had missed her. He'd not made any contact. Did he actually even care about her? She disappeared for hours on end and he'd not tried to even phone her. Not even a text. But then why would he care about a borderline unhinged woman who took trouble with her wherever she went?

They got out of the lift at the main entrance, where the coffee stand was. Serena was walking silently through the reception area when her attention was attracted by the large TV on the wall, where the local news was being reported on loop, over and over again, just like it did every single day. Except today was different for Serena

"Dr. McKinnie, originally from Surrey, was reported missing, nineteen years ago, from her home in London when she failed to turn up for work at St. Thomas' Hospital, where she was a junior doctor on the general surgery ward," a skinny blonde reporter explained to all the people Serena knew here. "She was found safe and well, working as a consultant general surgeon and clinical executive director at Holby City Hospital earlier today."

Two pictures, the one from the missing persons' site and one from the press release last year when she was attacked, appeared on screen, and Serena could almost feel everyone stop what they were doing. The hurly-burly of end-of-shift time stopped as everyone looked up at the screen. "Serena Campbell made the news in the summer of last year when both she and a nurse were viciously and near-fatally attacked on hospital premises," the reporter, to whom Serena was taking an extreme dislike, continued. "What she was doing in these nineteen years she spent off the radar is currently a mystery, but Henrik Hanssen, CEO and Director of Surgery at Holby City Hospital, released this statement in response to the news," she finished.

Hanssen appeared on the screen, no script to read from, saying, "Ms. Campbell was unaware that she had been reported missing in January 1994, and has continued to life with no knowledge of that fact. She has graduated with an MBA from Harvard University. She has been married. She has had a beautiful daughter. She has achieved fearlessly and lived a life of accomplishment, despite the horrors she has had to face along the way, and for that I, personally, am immensely proud of her. I would like to make it public that, regardless of what may transpire about her and her past during the coming days and weeks, Serena Campbell remains one of this hospital's most talented surgeons and has my full backing, and that of every member of staff here. Thank you," he nodded, and the camera cut away from him.

Serena felt a lump forming in her throat at the revelation that Hanssen was publicly supporting her, even if it transpired in the media that she was a coward, or whatever other mistaken conclusion they came up with.

"Ms. Campbell?" she heard Jonny's anxious whisper, his hand gently on her arm. "You OK?"

"No," she swallowed, finally telling someone the truth. "Can we just get out of here?"

"Course," he sighed, guiding her gently out of the building. She wasn't able to bring herself to look back through the glass doors; she already knew she was going to find a room of people who thought they knew her – or at least knew _of _her – and who were learning she was not who she pretended to be.

He helped her into the car, and it was all she could do to hold back her tears in front of him. They drove in silence for a short while, until the hospital was out of sight. She was aware Jonny kept sneaking glances at her; she was tempted to turn and tell him to cut it out, but she resisted.

Now she knew why Hanssen had given her a little supportive smile. He'd stood up and said he was behind her all the way, no matter what, and for that she was grateful. At least she knew there was someone willing to look like a moron when it all came out.

"What's going on?" Jonny asked, his tone low and approachable. There was something friendly about Jonny – he seemed to be understanding towards everyone, and if he could put up with Jac, he could put up with just about anyone. "What did you run from all those years ago?"

"I didn't run from anything," she lied, hoping he would take the bait and shut up. She had to turn and look at him, because she wanted to see if she was as good at lying as she always had been or if fear and pain and wariness had diminished that ability over the years. "I moved, and they got the wrong end of the stick."

"I don't buy it," Jonny shook his head, turning at the junction. "Nobody just ditches everything all of a sudden and expects nobody to say anything about it unless they're scared to death of what they're leaving behind," he reasoned, and she was annoyed to find he could be very wise under that class-clown exterior.

"Like I said," she said. "Long story. And it's one I don't like telling," she warned. She heard him sigh in reluctant acceptance, and she could almost see the cogs whirring round and round in his brain, trying to find a new way to get it out of her.

"Did you mean what you said earlier?" he asked.

"What?"

"About telling Hanssen if it meant he'd hang you," he replied. "Oh, yeah, I caught that," he added when she turned to face him yet again. "So did you mean it or were you just being a moody cow?"

"What's it to you?" she challenged. He raised an eyebrow at her, keeping an eye on the road as he tried to see how far he could push his luck with her. She knew he was just trying to be there for her, and he was trying to get her to open up about what she couldn't tell Ric, Michael or Hanssen. She was just wondering why he was taking that responsibility upon his shoulders.

"Believe it or not, Ms. Campbell," he gave her a tainted smile, "there are more people than the consultants willing to be your friend."

"They're the only ones masochistic enough," she snorted. "Them and Chantelle. Even Malick tries to keep out of it."

"Out of what?"

"Never mind," she snapped, realising she said too much again. He just shook his head again, driving in silence until they reached her home. She thanked him and started to get out of the passenger side, seeing Ric's car there. That was going to be an interesting conversation.

She couldn't bring herself to leave Jonny without any answers at all. It wasn't fair. He was being kind to her, after all; he could've just left her to drink herself into alcohol poisoning. Instead, he'd hid her up in Darwin until she was reasonably sober.

So she gave him a single answer, to the question she knew meant the most to him: "Yes, Jonny. I meant it." She closed the door and walked away, feeling his eyes bore into her back as she fumbled with the door handle. She managed to open the front door, and heard Jonny drive away, leaving her to find a lie to tell Ric so he didn't think she was weak.

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**Hope this is OK!  
Please feel free to review and tell me what you think!  
Sarah x**


	5. Breaking Point

**A/N: Don't hate me for this chapter - it's got to be done. Part of the bigger picture of the story. But thank you for the nice reviews :)**

**Sarah x**

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Serena had to take deep breaths as she closed the door behind her. What was she meant to tell them? Eleanor was home; the TV was blaring through the house, as per usual. Ric was home; she could smell the beginnings of dinner coming down the hall.

She decided to act like nothing had happened, praying to a God she didn't believe in that nobody had told Ric she'd sat and got drunk for approximately three hours, and another three hours sleeping it off. Some way to spend her day.

Walking through to the living room, she noticed Eleanor was watching BBC news, and she panicked. "Turn that off, please, darling," she said, keeping her voice level.

"But I'm watching it!" Eleanor argued. Serena heard the start of the local section of the news and grew more uptight, not wanting her daughter to know what was going on.

"It's not a request or a debate, Eleanor," she warned, still in control of her voice. "Turn it off."

"No," the teenager argued, and Serena could hear the familiar voice announcing the programme, and her nerves started to fall apart. "It's just the news! It's not some mental music channel, is it?!"

"The young doctor who vanished for almost two decades has been-" the man on the television began, and fear and panic took over Serena's body.

"Turn it off _now_!" Serena shouted, and she stunned herself when she picked up the nearest object, a clear vase with flowers, and threw it with all her might, narrowly missing Eleanor. It wasn't just out of sheer temper, though, along with fear and terror, that was what was primarily driving her to lose the plot slightly. It was to drown out her name, and distract Eleanor from seeing her mother's face on the television. Eleanor's terrified scream alone achieved that. She ducked, her arms over her head to protect herself.

"What the hell is going on?!" Ric yelled over the commotion. Serena quickly grabbed the remote control and switched the TV off. Her hands were shaking like they'd not done in years, and she was finding herself terrified of her own instability.

She couldn't do this. What was she becoming? Throwing a vase at her own daughter?!

"Mum just went psycho," Eleanor announced, never taking her eyes off her mother. It was a heavy, tense silence that descended between them. It was the first time Eleanor had ever been truly scared of Serena.

"Serena?" Ric asked, touching her arm lightly. She yanked it away and stormed upstairs. She wasn't having this. She was not going to have her own daughter scared of her. She was not going to live in a house with her partner and daughter when she couldn't trust herself not to hurt them, or herself.

She threw a holdall onto the bed, tearing clothes out of the drawers without looking. She had no plan. She just needed out of here. She just needed to leave them in peace. They were better off without her; Ric was perfectly capable of keeping Eleanor on the straight and narrow with out Serena's help.

She threw her trainers into the bag, going to her bathroom to get toiletries. She got her phone charger, laptop and laptop charger out of her bedside cabinet. "This is the answer to everything, is it?" Ric's deep voice demanded quietly from the door.

"I have to go," she replied, wiping tears from her cheeks; she hadn't realised until now she was silently crying. "I can't stay here."

"Why not?" he asked.

"Just don't, Ric," she begged. "Just don't try and stop me. You don't want me here. Not just now anyway."

"Of course I want you here!" he argued, and she could almost feel the frustration and helplessness radiating from him. _This_ was exactly what Serena was trying her utmost to avoid. She'd known she was pushing her luck when she had allowed him to love her and take care of her. She'd always known it was a matter of time before she was going to push him out once too often.

"No, Ric, you want to keep an eye on me," she contradicted him. "There's a difference."

"Don't be so silly," he scolded her, coming into the bedroom.

"Let me go, Ric," she pleaded. "Please, just let me go. I'll be fine. Take care of Eleanor," she reminded him she was leaving her daughter here, truly going it alone for the first time in almost twenty years.

"Serena," he said, "why are you doing this?"

"Because I have to. Because I can't stay with you and Eleanor when I know I'm so unbearable that you can't love me anymore," she said. "Because you're better without me."

"Of course I love you!" he almost shouted. "After all we've been through, how can you possibly doubt that?!" he said as she zipped up her holdall and thought of a snag – her car was at the hospital and she was illegal to drive. Taxi it was to be, then. Or the bus. Whichever got her out of here quickest. Or she could have stayed with one of her few friends.

"You don't really," she informed him. "You think I can't survive on my own. That's the only reason you haven't put your foot down and chucked me yet."

She picked up her phone and texted the only person she could think of who would take her in – Jac Naylor: _Meet me, corner shop at the end of my street? __10__ min? Xx_

She looked at Ric for the first time, unable to find an excuse to preoccupy herself with her rushed packing. He looked pained and torn, and she knew he was debating whether to just let her walk. She believed, in the back of his mind, he wanted her to go. She believed she'd pushed him once too often.

Her phone vibrated in her hand and she read: _Sure. What's going on? xx_

Serena tapped her fingers lightly on the screen and replied: _Explain later xx_

She looked up at Ric again, taking his face gently in one hand, kissing his lips lightly. "I love you," she asserted. "I just can't make you live with me anymore."

She picked up her holdall, slinging it on her shoulder and almost running down the stairs. She got to the hall and looked into the living room. Eleanor was shaken by her mother's attack, but her eyes widened when she saw the bag and Serena's defensive stance towards the front door. "I'm so sorry," she whispered, knowing she would be heard over the silence of her broken home.

She walked towards the door, picking up her handbag on the way, and opened it. "Mum!" she heard Eleanor cry. "Mum!" Eleanor had got up and Serena closed the door; it was the only way she was going to have the strength to leave.

She walked down the street, hearing Eleanor running out the front door, followed by a second set of footsteps she assumed was Ric, shouting after her, "Mum! Come _back_!"

She almost stopped. She almost turned back. But instead she forced her legs to keep going, knowing that Ric was going to take care of the teenager. "_Mum_!" Eleanor screamed after her.

She just kept walking, reminding herself that she was doing this for them, so they didn't have to live with her madness. She was mad. It was the only reason she would have attacked Eleanor like that. What if it had hit her? What then? She wouldn't have been able to live with herself; she couldn't trust herself to behave. She had to go. She had to leave them alone.

She turned the corner and went into the shop, pulling change out of her pocket to buy a bottle of water – her throat was killing her from the level of shouting she'd done when she'd thrown the vase at Eleanor.

She waited outside the shop until Jac's car pulled up. She opened the passenger side door and asked, "Can I stay with you and Jonny tonight? Please?"

Jac gave her a strange look. It was a mix of suspicion and concern, but she replied regardless, "Of course."

"Thank you," Serena said sincerely, putting her bags on the back seat and getting in the front. She stared out the window, unable to hold back her tears any longer. Her sobs ripped through her chest and the silence, the hell of the day finally hitting her. She'd destroyed what little she'd managed to rebuild now, to protect them from her insanity. To make sure she couldn't hurt her daughter.

"What's happened?" Jac sighed, going against her usually indifferent nature. Serena couldn't reply. She just wiped her tears away with her sleeve, trying to control her breathing. Trying to exercise discipline before it turned into a full-scale panic attack. She could feel it in the way her chest was tightening and her breathing was becoming more difficult that she was in danger of letting Jac see just what happened when she fell apart.

"Serena?" she heard Jac ask, her voice full of true concern. "Serena, what's happened? Did Ric kick you out?"

"No," she managed to choke out. "No, I walked out."

"Why?"

Serena struggled against her mind and body for control of her breathing so she could speak properly. "Serena, why did you walk out on Ric and Eleanor?" she demanded.

"I-" she began, fighting for control of speech and breathing in her body. "I attacked Eleanor," she forced out, her voice broken and choked, like her body didn't want her to admit she was unstable.

"_Attacked_ her?!" Jac repeated disbelievingly.

"She wouldn't turn the news off," Serena cried, knowing there was no excuse for what she did. She could only pray Ric hadn't told Eleanor what was going on. "She wouldn't turn the news off and I lost my cool. Threw a bloody vase at her."

Jac, of all people, would not judge her. She knew that much, and it was confirmed when the younger woman's slender hand linked itself in hers in a symbol or support. "I saw the news leaving the hospital. Is it true?" she asked, taking her hand away to change gear, resting it on Serena's leg afterwards.

"Yeah," Serena said. "Yeah. Every word."

They parked outside Jac and Jonny's home, and Serena got out and collected her things from the back seat. They entered the house, Jonny immediately taking Serena's bags from her; Jac must have phoned ahead to warn him. She was grateful they were being so good to her. She'd done nothing to earn it, and was surprised they weren't demanding answer after answer after answer before they let her into their home.

She sat on the sofa, her fingers tracing the long scar on her throat once again. She'd been doing that a lot recently, she noticed. Maybe it was her subconscious warning her there was trouble and pain ahead for her yet again.

Jac sat beside her and Jonny disappeared, returning a few minutes later with three mugs of coffee. "Thank you," she whispered, not really knowing what else to say. She didn't like to depend of others, so this was a massive step she was taking – at least she was with friends and not in some unfamiliar, bare flat, six weeks pregnant, running from a ghost no-one else could see, with nowhere to turn. It was a step up, at least.

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**Hope this is OK!  
Please feel free to review and tell me your thoughts!  
Sarah x**


	6. Light Sleeper

**A/N: ****Sorry this took so long to update - I've had issues with where to take it, but I think I've got it on the right track now :) Thanks to everyone who has read and reviewed!**

**Sarah x**

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Serena sat bolt upright in bed, the surroundings unfamiliar to her until she remembered what had happened today. How what little she had rebuilt had fallen apart on top of her, the debris of what was and what will be crushing her.

She tried to remember what had woke her up, but only found quick flashes of her dreams. Some fantasy and some true memory, none of it pleasant, it was a mix of pain and regret, but knowing she was doing the right thing. She was staying away from them for their own good. She didn't know when, or even if, she would return to them. It all depended on what happened next. On whether she had it in her to talk to the woman she once called her best friend. And, of course, if she could convince the woman she wasn't lying.

She got out of bed carefully, padding through to the living room, where she stood at the window, looking out at nothing in particular, not that there was much to see. Instead she resorted to staring at the glass, studying her own reflection. Minus the make up, and minus the front she put on daily, she was broken. She had built her walls up again, built her confidence up again, and now she didn't know what to think.

She looked at her watch. Two in the morning. "Can't sleep, Ms. Campbell?" a deep Scottish voice behind her asked, taking her by surprise and making her jump nearly out of her skin.

"Serena," she corrected him. "I'm in your home, Jonny. I don't think calling me "Ms. Campbell" will make you feel any more comfortable with my intrusion."

"You're not intruding!" he insisted. "If we didn't want to take you in, we wouldn't have done it. You're welcome here as long as you need," he added, and she noted he referred to himself and Jac as a single unit. "You know, I'm a light sleeper and a good listener," he told her, sitting on the sofa behind her. She didn't turn; she could see his reflection in the dark window.

"Pity I'm not a good talker," she sighed.

"Rubbish. You're a brilliant talker, until it gets personal," he reminded her. He stood up again and put his hands on her shoulders lightly. "Why don't we get some hot chocolate?" he suggested. "Hmm?"

She reluctantly nodded, letting him take her to the kitchen. Unusually, there was nothing about Jonny that unnerved her in the sense that he might hurt her; he was kind and he was trying to help, more than anyone was asking of him.

She sat down on the bar stool, watching as he made hot chocolate. "Right," he said, drawing up a stool. "What's going on?" he demanded, handing her her mug.

"There's a patient on Keller just now," she sighed. "His wife is the woman who used to be my best friend."

"So, what, you fell out?" he asked her, obviously confused by the reaction she was taking to what she claimed was nothing more or less than a misunderstanding becoming public knowledge.

"Not really," she admitted. "I moved out without a word when she was on a double shift," she confessed. "I decided I couldn't live with them," she continued, not saying it wasn't Mariah who had been the problem, but her step-brother. "I couldn't face them."

"OK," he replied slowly. "So she didn't know you were leaving?"  
"I didn't even resign from my job," she confessed. "I just got in my car and left. I'm quite good at doing that."

"_Why_ would you _do_ that?" he asked her disbelievingly. "You had a job, right? You had a home. You had your friends."

"I was also pregnant," she whispered, looking down into her mug, taking a drink as an excuse not to say any more than she already had done. She knew she was going to have to explain it to him. She just had to find the words without being too blunt.

"Pregnant?" he replied. "With your daughter, I take it?" he asked, and she nodded her head lightly. "You've lost me. Was it because you weren't supposed to be in a relationship that you left?" he asked, very puzzled as to why she ran.

"There was no relationship," she said.

"One night stand?" Jonny guessed. God, was she going to have to spell it out to him?! He wasn't an unintelligent man, but he could be so dense at times.

"No," she moaned, not wanting to have to be so direct. Maybe it was best, though, to just come out and explain, for the first time, exactly what happened that night. "What happened was that I was up studying for some stupid assessment, and Mariah went out to get us something to eat because we hadn't eaten all day," she explained the basis of what went on.

"Fraser – her step-brother – came down the stairs, asking where she went. I told him she went out for a takeaway, and he sat on the sofa. I was on the floor, kneeling over the coffee table," she recalled. "He started telling me I was pretty, all the rest of it. I didn't think anything of it until he touched my face. I told him to stop it. I told him he was like my brother but he dragged me up by the wrists," she said. She looked up from her cup to see Jonny's face. He was horrified, with silent tears running down his face. She wanted to stop, but he had to know why she was losing the plot.

"He dragged me up the stairs, into my bedroom. He wasn't gentle about it at all. I tried to fight against him, but he slammed me against the wall," she remembered, feeling the sickening crunch of her back against the wall all over again. "I started shouting, hoping a neighbour would hear me, but he hit me across the face.

"Every _single_ time I almost got free of him, he threw me to the floor, knowing I would be in too much pain to escape," she recounted. She looked at Jonny again and decided to stop telling the story; she was upsetting him, and she didn't want that. The mother in her felt terrible for upsetting him, and she reached out and wiped his tears away. "That's enough. I think you get the idea now."

He wiped his eyes and said, "Is this the same Fraser who attacked you and Chantelle last summer?"

"Yeah," she replied. "Hanssen, Michael, Ric, Chantelle, Malick, Sacha, Chrissie, Jac...we all kept who he was on the down low. To the rest of the world, he was just some nutter," she explained. "And don't give Jac a hard time. She was told not to tell anyone."

"I wasn't going to," he answered. "I know she must have felt obligated not to tell me."

"Good."

They sat and drank their hot chocolate silently for a few minutes, until Jonny shattered it with another question. "Are you going back to Ric and Eleanor?" he enquired.

"I don't know," she replied honestly. She was too scared to go back and face them. Too scare, as well, to put them through her own mental torture. She knew she was taking it out on them, but didn't see it until later on. In the heat of the moment, she didn't think. Desperation and fear and anger took over and her words and actions were not her own. It was a lousy excuse for her behaviour, but it was true.

"They'll be wanting you back. They'll be missing you," he urged.

"They want to make sure I'm not doing anything stupid," she said the same as she had to Ric just hours ago. "There's a difference."

"Either way, they love you," he reasoned.

"Do they?" she retorted. "I take it Jac told you why I left." He nodded his reply, but he didn't look like he was judging her. He looked like he could understand why she had flipped the switch on them, going crazy at Eleanor, and why she was leaving them alone. "See? They shouldn't have to put up with that."

"It's understandable though."

"Not to Eleanor. I haven't told her Mariah turned up. She doesn't even know who Mariah is," she snorted at her own cowardice. "I told Ric, but then Mariah pulled her stunt and it all came out, and then she phoned the police to say I've been found, and now they've done a press release, and now it's on the news and everyone wants to know why it happened and..." she trailed off, realising she was rambling something terrible. "And now the whole hospital knows I'm Serena McKinnie who went walkabout nineteen years ago," she finished, her voice calmer.

"So it's a matter of time until Eleanor hears anyway," Jonny reminded her. "That's if Ric hasn't done it himself. You can imagine she would've wanted answers when you left," he added reasonably. "It's not like she's a wee kid anymore, is it?"

"More's the pity," Serena sighed. "When she was younger, I could tell myself she was too young to understand it. Now she's a young woman with a mind of her own and a decent understanding of the world. I have no get out clause."

"You know, kids are made of hardy stuff. Hardier than us so-called adults, at least," he grinned. "She's still young. Better to sort it out now rather than leave her wondering why you deserted her, or she'll end up like Jac."

Being like Jac, in some ways, was not a bad thing. It meant strength and courage and survival. But in other ways, Serena knew as well as Jonny did that Jac's flaws were huge. She was cold and guarded and manipulative. And as much as she loved Jac, she didn't want her daughter to turn into the redheaded Ice Queen.

She sighed; Jonny was, of course, right. But he wasn't standing where she was, and he couldn't know what she was feeling like, though he was clearly making his best effort to try. He couldn't know that she was so terrified of hurting her own daughter that she felt the need to keep away from her. And that Ric, though patient, was under strain too. He would never have said as much, but Serena knew her antics and mindset were already driving him round the bend.

"Right, back to bed," he announced, getting to his feet and putting the dirty mugs in the sink. "Jac will murder me for that, but I really can't be bothered," he winked.

Serena just stared at him, not knowing how to proceed. He was unknown to her; before now, he had never been the one she opened up to. He had been Jac's boyfriend with a bright personality and the world's most childish sense of humour. She'd never really viewed him as a friend.

She eventually stood up. "I'm sorry if I upset you, Jonny," she said. "I just thought, well, you know. That I should explain myself. I've been a bit of a horror today."

"A bit?!" he exclaimed, feigning outrage. She smiled for the first time in twenty-four hours, although it felt like an eternity to her. "Listen, if you ever need to talk and you can't face Ric or Jac, you know where I am. Michael Spence is alright and everything, but I can imagine he'd get on your nerves," he grinned, knowing both her and Michael well enough to know they bickered like toddlers at times.

"Thanks, Jonny," she replied, the lump in her throat building again. He put his arms around her in what could only be described as a bear hug, hugging her tightly. He was right – Ric loved her, Eleanor loved her and she loved them both to bits, but she couldn't bring herself to go back. Not yet. Not while she was still torn and raw.

He let her go and led her back up stairs. "Goodnight," she whispered to him when they got to the landing, not wanting to wake Jac.

"'Night," he replied, going into his bedroom, leaving her in the darkness of the landing, wondering what she was meant to do.

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**Hope this is OK!  
Please feel free to review and tell me your thoughts!  
Sarah x**


	7. Breaking At The Cracks

**A/N: This is the seventh chapter, and probably the one where Serena's resolve is finally beginning to crack. Thanks for all the reviews so far :)**

**Sarah x**

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Serena stood at the far end of Keller, unseen by James and Mariah, just watching them. He seemed confused, and Mariah seemed...jumpy. That look on her face, Serena remembered all too well; she wasn't going to listen to reason. She had worn that very same expression when she had slapped a registrar as a young nurse, because he had ran a hand down her back without asking. It later transpired that the poor man had merely seen some cellophane statically stuck to her back and tried to brush it off, but Mariah hadn't waited for an explanation.

She was torn; there was a part of her curious to know whether Mariah would accept her version of events, but the part of her terrified of the possible outcomes won out every time without fail.

Mariah met Serena's gaze, looking hurt. Serena felt slightly guilty. She knew she had left her best friend with no explanation, no knowledge of where she was, who she was with, if she was safe, or even if she was still alive. It was one of the most selfish things she had ever done but, until now, she had never really regretted it.

Until now, it was what it was – it was what she _had_ to do.

"Serena?" Malick's voice brought her back to where she didn't want to be. "You OK?"

"Yeah," she sighed. "I'm going to be on AAU today. Tell Ric, would you?" she asked.

"Don't you think you should speak to him?" Malick reminded her. So someone had told him then. She had expected as much. Ric and Malick had a tendency to confide in each other. Serena glared at him, waiting for him to explain his remark. Eventually he admitted, "Ric told me you walked out last night. He just wants you to come back."

"He wants me where he can see me," Serena contradicted. Malick groaned in disdain and came to stand in front of her. His hands fell lightly on to her shoulders, his fingers squeezing lightly.

"Is it true? What they're saying?" he asked. Serena nodded. "Then the best thing you can do is _talk_. Talk to Mariah. Talk to Ric. Talk to Eleanor."

"I will. When I'm ready," she amended before he carted her over to Mariah himself. She knew she was digging her heels in now, but it was fuelled by nothing more or less than fear. "I promise." Why she said that, she would never understand; it was a promise she was almost certain she could not keep. She was probably just attempting to appease him, and she believed that if he knew she was still functioning and still looking to the future, Malick had no right to berate her.

She was alarmed to find Ric approaching, and tried to think of an excuse to leave. "I've got to go down to AAU," she whispered hastily to Malick, who was confused by her sudden wish to depart.

"Serena!" Ric called when she turned her back to them. She stopped dead, unable to move. Her feet wouldn't go forward but her head wouldn't let them take her back. She folded her arms across her chest, like they were protecting her heart. A stupid notion, but it was somewhat of a comfort to her. "Serena!" he said again.

She still did not turn, but she heard his footsteps coming towards her. She had known this was unavoidable; she just hoped she would have been able to dodge him for longer. Before she could process the command to her feet to move, she was staring him in the face, aware that her expression was stony and hoping the hurt and fear was well disguised. "Are you alright?" he asked.

"I'm alive," she asserted harshly, though she could feel her voice catching in her throat and heard it was coming out slightly choked. Why did her body pick such inconvenient times to rebel against her lies? She was not really alive. She was surviving, and only just by the skin of her teeth. Big difference.

"Just," he raised an eyebrow at her. "Serena, come home. Please," he said, his tone pleading with her. "Where are you even staying?" he demanded.

"That doesn't matter," she evaded, not wanting him to know. He would only pester her to see his version of common sense. "All you need to know is that I'm safe," she added, eternally grateful that Jac and Jonny hadn't told anyone where she was staying for now.

"Ms. McKinn- sorry, Ms. Campbell!" she heard Mariah call out to her.

"You have _got_ to be kidding!" Serena groaned when Mariah came up to her side. "How can I help?" she smiled, trying to be polite.

"Can I have a word?"

"Well, I have to be somewhere else, I'm afraid, but I'm sure Mr. Griffin and Mr. Malick can answer any questions you and your husband have," Serena brushed off the question.

"I didn't mean about James," Mariah retorted sternly. Serena tried to walk away but Mariah's hand wrapped around her arm and tried to pull her back. In a flash of panic, of memories spinning in her mind, Serena threw her back, and Malick had to catch Mariah so she didn't fall.

When Serena turned, she saw Mariah and Malick, him making sure she was alright, and Ric looking extremely worried. She briefly held his stare, trying not to let him see how much she was trying to deal with. It was all gathering inside her, and she felt her mind threatening to burst at the seams.

"I must apologise," Ric said when Serena remained silent. "Ms. Campbell can be easily frightened at times."

"I don't need you to speak for me Ric," she snarled quietly.

"Clearly you do," he argued. "With me," he ordered her, taking her hand.

"No," she yanked it from his grip. "I'm due on AAU. Goodbye," she snapped. Walking away, she realised it was something that was all too easy for her to do these days. Walking away was second nature to her now. Her finger hit the button with too much force, a sharp pain on impact. Temper was another thing that came too easily out of her.

Impatience overcame her and she gave up on the lift and resolved to take the stairs; she couldn't bear to remain on Keller any longer. She just knew Ric was itching to come after her but too cowardly to actually do it. She half-wished he had come after her. At least then she would have known he was willing to fight for her, rather than letting her run off to fight for herself all the time.

It was only when she got to the last stair, the madness of the AAU corridor surrounding her, swallowing her up, that she realised that everything she hadn't said, everything she hadn't done, everything she hadn't felt, was now built up inside her with no escape route.

She looked around her; the early morning rush of people was consuming her, making her feel closed in, making everything inside her just feel even more saturated. She fell back, leaning on the vending machine, trying to collect herself. It just wasn't working this time. There was so much anger and pain and fear and panic built up inside her, and she didn't know what to do with it. If she kept it in any long, it was going to suffocate her.

She just watched them all go by. The sick and the healthy. The medics and the patients. The visitors and the relatives. Each and every one of them with their own past and their own story to tell.

She turned around in an attempt to ignore the sea of people, staring at the vending machine. She wasn't staring at anything in particular; it was just her eyes fixed there. Her mind was off on a tangent, trying to make sense of it all.

It was too much now. She had tried talking it over with Jonny last night but she didn't feel any better about anything; it had only made it real.

Her temper was rising; she felt it forcing its way through her mind like a tidal wave of anguish and anxiety battering it's way to her attention. It had been ignored too long. She realised too late that she had raised her fist, punching the machine with all her might. She kicked it, punched it, elbowed it, with every ounce of strength she had left.

The rattling of the machine as she abused it was somewhat satisfying – there was something else one the planet that was under the level of strain she was falling to pieces under.

Her therapy came to an end when she heard Chrissie Levy's voice shout, "Serena!" and there were hurried footsteps of people pushing through the crowd of people. "_Serena_!" she shouted. There were a pair of hands on each of her arms, restraining her.

They pulled her back until she was no longer kicking out, and inconspicuously led her to the consultant's office, sitting her down in Michael's chair. Sacha gently closed the door and looked down on her with a mixture of what Serena read as concern and a debate on whether he really wanted to know.

"Whatever is wrong, I don't think the vending machine did anything to deserve that," Sacha smiled at her. She didn't speak, watching Chrissie sit on Michael's desk and Sacha standing with an arm around his wife's shoulders.

"Is this because of what they've said on the news?" Chrissie asked. Serena wasn't paying attention. She was just staring at the floor, unable to say a thing. Just wondering. Wondering why all this had to happen to her. Of all the people in the world, it was her who had to face her friends and colleagues in the knowledge that her past was being put on show for them. "Serena?"

She still didn't reply, and Sacha whispered to Chrissie, "Do you think we should call Ric? Hanssen, maybe?"

"Do it and die, Levy," she threatened, her throat trying to stop her. He held his free hand up in acceptance of her wishes. "Just let me go to work."

"Is that a good idea?" Chrissie asked sceptically.

"It's the only one I have," Serena reasoned. She stood up, unhappy to find her legs were shaking, and she strode over to the door. Her hand on the handle, she contemplated turning back and speaking to them, but she didn't know where to begin. How was she even to begin to discuss what this was doing to her? The waiting game. Waiting for Mariah to disappear into the past again, and for this whole ordeal to blow over.

Instead, she opened the door and walked out onto the unit, looking around her. She took a file from the closest nurse and went to the patient's bedside and examined him. Like nothing had happened. Like she wasn't breaking at the cracks.

* * *

**Hope this is alright!  
Please feel free to leave a review and tell me what you think!  
Sarah x**


	8. Provocation

**A/N: Thanks for all the reviews on this :)**

**Sarah x**

* * *

Serena's mobile rang, the shrill beeping yanking her ungraciously from her daze. "Hello," she answered.

"Ms. Campbell," Arthur Digby said, and Serena internally groaned. Great. Digby. That was all she needed. "We need you on Keller."

"Digby, there's a consultant, a registrar, an F1, Chantelle and multiple other nurses on Keller," she reminded him sternly. "If you can't cope without me, well, frankly, that's slightly worrying."

"No, you don't understand," he told her. "There's something going on and Mr. Malick and Mr. Griffin are in theatre and Chantelle doesn't want to get involved," he explained. Serena leaned forward and put her head in her free hand. It was her duty to go up there and sort out whatever it was, and she couldn't ignore that. She hung up the phone without another word.

She stood up and caught Michael on the way past. "They need me on Keller," she told him.

"OK," Michael smiled. He searched her face for a moment and Serena felt slightly uncomfortable under his scrutiny. He had done the same thing every day for a year but she never really got used to it. She never knew if he saw more than he claimed to. He out an arm around her and squeezed her into his chest briefly before he freed her to go to Keller.

She took the lift, wanting to get in and out as quickly as she possibly could. It was only when she stepped onto Keller and saw Chantelle being harassed by Mariah that Serena realised what was going on. Jac Naylor walked onto the ward just as Serena did. "CT consult," she explained. "What's she playing at?" she added, nodding to Mariah.

"God only knows," Serena sighed. She stalked over to the two women. "That is quite enough," she barked, specifically at Mariah.

"It's fine, Ms. Campbell," Chantelle said. Serena was conscious that Jac had come with her, and she didn't want this blowing completely out of proportion.

"Maybe you can answer my questions," Mariah sneered. "What kind of person walks away from her family, her friends and her job without a word."

"My mother knew I was safe," Serena retorted.

"Then why the bloody hell did you do a runner?!" Mariah demanded as she became increasingly frustrated. Serena really did understand it but it didn't make explaining it any easier.

"Mrs. Swinley, I don't think this is the time or the place," Jac tried to be the voice of reason, but Serena knew that the whole lot of them were unreasonable at the moment and it would do no good.

Mariah put her hands in her thick her, pushing it back, and Serena saw that anger bubbling up onto her face. She was furious. "I want to know why my best friend walked away from me and didn't tell me a single thing!" Mariah insisted.

"She was pregnant!" Chantelle exclaimed. As silence fell between the four women, Chantelle shot Serena an apologetic look. Jac moved forward slightly to stand next to Serena so that they and Chantelle were lined up. Digby was watching from the nurses' station, predictably too cowardly to attempt an intervention.

A sneer broke across Mariah's face as she shook her head in disgust. "_You've_ got a child?" she laughed. It was horrible, mocking laugh. "Well, that just takes the biscuit."

"Excuse me?" Jac said, her voice deadly and quiet.

"Serena McKinnie with a kid?" Mariah scorned. "The Serena I know isn't even fit to be a mother."

Serena looked away from her, trying to disguise how much that hurt her. She knew she wasn't the best mother in the world but, under the circumstances, she felt she'd done alright. "And what is that meant to mean?" Chantelle retorted. "Ms. Campbell is a good mum!" she defended Serena.

Serena was surprised to hear Chantelle sticking up for her. The young blonde was always the one to avoid confrontation and try and find a peaceful resolution but Serena could see she was seething.

"She doesn't know how to put anyone but herself first!" Mariah exclaimed.

"People change," Jac asserted.

"Mind you, it doesn't surprise me you got yourself knocked up," she said directly to Serena. "Only reason you didn't have a boyfriend when you left was because you realised how much work you had to do to finish the F2 exams. Always were a bit of a slut, weren't you, Serena?"

There was the unmistakable smack of a hand hitting a face. It wasn't the pathetic schoolgirl slap to the face; the hand had the full force of a body behind as it collided with the blonde's face. Serena looked around to see Jac looking furious but satisfied that she had caused Mariah some degree of pain for that last comment. Mariah touched her lip and found blood on her fingers. She opened her mouth to have a go at Jac but never got the chance.

"Miss Naylor!" a calm voice behind them said. "What on Earth is going on here?"

The three medics turned to find Henrik Hanssen standing behind them. "You three," he addressed Chantelle, Serena and Jac, "will follow me to my office. Mrs. Swinley, you will remain on the ward with your husband," he ordered them in a tone that made it clear there was to be no arguing over it.

Silently, Jac walked after him, seemingly accepting she was to be punished for hitting a patient's wife. Chantelle looked slightly terrified so Serena put a reassuring arm around her shoulders and guided her off the ward, lagging slightly behind Hanssen and Jac.

When they were all in Hanssen's office, he sat down and the women lined up in front of his desk one after the other, Chantelle between Serena and Jac, like they were making sure she was kept in the clear. "So. I come down to Keller to find two consultants and a nurse in conversation with a patient's relative," he began. "Then one of said consultants unexpectedly hits said relative with what I suspect was all her strength. Care to explain?"

Serena felt nervous at the idea of Hanssen getting fully involved now. There was no doubt in her mind that half the ward had heard what Mariah had said right before Jac hit her, and though Serena hated that idea, she now had to accept that everyone knew something really was going on.

"She called Serena a slut," Jac finally sighed. "Under the circumstances, I lost my temper. I'm sorry," she gave a rare apology.

"I see," he replied. "I do understand why you took offence, Miss Naylor, but, between us and the four walls, we all know Mrs. Swinley is a key part of Ms. Campbell's past, and attempting to knock her head off her shoulders was not the wisest idea you have ever had. I do, however, accept that Mrs. Swinley provoked you."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Hanssen," Chantelle piped up, much to everyone's surprise, "but she had it coming. The way she was talking about Ms. Campbell, it was horrible!" she backed Jac up.

"What about you, Ms. Campbell?" he asked her. "You have remained unusually silent."

Serena just looked at the floor, unable to say anything to defend herself or Jac and Chantelle. She very much felt like she was on trial for a past crime. Or that they were up in front of the headmaster for fighting in the corridors. "Mar...Mrs. Swinley," she corrected herself. "She crossed a line. Jac, as my colleague and friend, understandably was unable to keep her temper. To be honest, if Jac hadn't got there first, I probably would have done it myself eventually," she confessed.

"Right," Hanssen sighed. "Miss Naylor, I would like you to apologise to Mrs. Swinley, please."

"But-" Jac began to protest until Hanssen cut across her.

"I don't particularly care if you mean it or not," he told her, surprising Serena with his lack of morality. "All I want is for you to say you are sorry and hope she doesn't make a formal complaint. I don't want you in front of a disciplinary hearing because she couldn't keep her mouth shut."

"Oh," Jac replied. She was obviously shocked that Hanssen could be so understanding of what happened.

"Nurse Lane," he addressed Chantelle. "Explain to me what happened, from the start."

"Well," she said, and Serena literally felt the nerves radiating from her. "Mrs. Swinley sort of cornered me and started asking questions about Ms. Campbell and I was trying not to say anything. Someone called Ms. Campbell back to Keller to help and Miss Naylor was coming for a CT consult – I called her myself – and they came to see what was going on. Mrs. Swinley started on Ms. Campbell and I accidentally let slip that she was pregnant when she walked out and then Mrs. Swinley said Ms. Campbell was an unfit mother, and then that she _always was a slut_," she quoted Mariah. "And then Miss Naylor slapped Mrs. Swinley and then you appeared," she finished rambling.

"Is that all that happened?" he checked; Serena knew why he was making sure. He was trying to be sure that his staff were not in the wrong. Of course, Jac wasn't right to hit Mariah, but it was at least comprehensible.

"Yes!" Chantelle insisted. "We didn't say anything that would have been offensive."

"Alright. You and Miss Naylor will return to Keller," he told the two younger women, "and return to your work. Miss Naylor, make sure you apologise to Mrs. Swinley, for your own sake. Nurse Lane, you will transfer the care of Mr. Swinley to another nurse and steer clear of his wife as much as possible. Do I make myself clear?" he asked.

"Yes," they both replied. He nodded and they both left, Jac throwing Serena a worried look. Serena smiled back, trying to pacify her before she closed the door. She turned back to face Hanssen, dreading what he would say.

He stared at her a moment before he actually spoke. "This has gone far enough. You _need_ to talk to her."

"I don't," Serena argued. "She'll be gone in a day, two or three at the most."  
"You cannot honestly be so naïve," he retorted. "Do you really think this is just going to simply disappear?" he demanded; Serena looked away. She knew he was right. In all the madness, Hanssen always talked sense, for which she was extremely grateful. "I didn't think so. Now. I want this to happen in a controlled environment. We don't want a repeat of today, do we?"

Serena shook her head in agreement. She realised now that she couldn't just hide from Mariah. She was stupid to think that Mariah would have been able to leave the matter alone in the first place.

But she couldn't do it alone. And she couldn't ask Jac to be in the same room as Mariah; it was clear the redhead would have liked nothing more than to knock Mariah's teeth down her throat. She could hardly ask Ric, since she had attacked Eleanor and walked out on them. She couldn't put Jonny or Chantelle through it because she had taken enough from them already. Malick had anger issues, so having him in the room with her was less than wise.

That just left one person.

"Fine," she moaned. "Can I just ask one favour if you're going to make me do this?"

"Of course," he replied. "Anything that makes the situation easier for you."

"Be there with me."

She didn't add that she didn't trust herself to keep her temper, or to keep her emotions in check, and she didn't need to Hanssen fully understood the implications and reasons for that request.

"If you want me there for support, of course I will be with you when you confront her," he promised.

"Thank you."

* * *

**Hope this is OK!  
Please feel free to review and tell me your thoughts!  
Sarah x**


	9. Safe

**A/N: Sorry for a) not updating in a little while and b) the ridiculous time I'm updating. Thanks for all the reviews, too :) love yous all!**

**Sarah x**

* * *

Serena sat in Michael's office with her head in her arms on the desk, sobbing her heart out. She had had enough now. She couldn't keep living like this. She had been happy. Reasonably so, at least. Built a home with Ric and Eleanor and climbed a step higher on her career ladder. Made friends with Michael and Jac, Sacha and Chrissie, Malick and Hanssen. She had a support network around her.

Now she felt like that network was still around her but it couldn't support the weight of her troubles anymore. She was too much of a strain. Her habit of being a headcase could only be sustained for so long.

There was an enormous temptation to go back to Jac and Jonny's and grab her suitcase and just leave. She wouldn't have to face Mariah, she wouldn't have to face Ric and Eleanor and she would be able to start over yet again.

But she couldn't do that again. The prospect of having to start from scratch all over again was too much. So here she sat, in a friend's office, crying like she was never going to stop because everything she had dodged was now on top of her. She had pushed out her loved ones. She had took her temper out on the outside world, both living and inanimate. Now all that was left to do was just to _cry_.

Her chest hurt from all the sobbing she had done in the last quarter of an hour. Her head was pounding as her blood pressure went through the roof. Her body felt weak as her crying drained it of what little energy it had left to it.

She jumped and gasped when a hand fell on each of her shoulders but she calmed herself when she heard the American's drawl in the darkness of her closed eyes. "You OK?" he asked.

"Just peachy," she snapped grumpily through her tears.

"Now now," he retorted. She could just see the smirk on his face. He rubbed her shoulders gently as he tried to release some of the probably obvious tension in her body. "I hear there was trouble on Keller," he began. "Wanna talk about it?"

"You already know what happened," Serena accused. "Jac slapped a patient's wife."

"Who just so happens to be the step-sister of the man who raped you," he added harshly.

"Don't," moaned Serena. She didn't want to go there again. It just set off the crying again. She hated thinking herself a victim of something so awful but it was what she was, whether she rose above it or not. Whether she was a survivor or whether it beat her, it still happened, as much as she liked to pretend to herself it didn't happen.

"I hate seeing you cry," he sighed. She knew that. She knew Michael hated watching her cry. She knew he cared about her but she couldn't stop. She couldn't stop crying, or pushing people out, or losing her rag. She had finally cracked. After twenty years of keeping it together she had finally split right down the middle.

The door opened again and Serena shot up straight so that nobody but Michael would know just what state she had been in. She was horrified to see Ric Griffin standing before her, his back leaning against the door.

She tried to hold the tears in in front of Ric – the last thing she needed was for him to think she couldn't cope without him. "Give us a minute, Michael," Ric requested, never taking his eyes off Serena.

"Uh, I'm not sure that's a good idea," Michael reasoned.

"Oh, I think it's the perfect idea," Ric said. "I think it's high time I put my foot down. Throwing vases, sitting in here crying your eyes out," he listed. "Showdowns with patients' relatives on the ward, battering vending machines outside AAU," he added, raising his eyebrows at her. "Oh, yes, Sacha and Digby told me about that."

"They shouldn't have," Serena snapped as she started to regain some control over her breathing.

"Yeah, they should have," Michael interjected, coming to Ric's aid. "Levy should have told _me_ about that if you've been kicking the crap outta vending machines outside _my_ ward."

"Apparently he was going to come and get me but she told him, and I quote, 'Do it and die, Levy.' You can't keep doing this, Serena," Ric insisted. Michael moved towards the door, and Serena tried to stop him. She didn't want to be left alone with Ric when she was so vulnerable.

"Michael, don't leave me-"

"No, I'm gonna go and make Sacha grow a pair," Michael retorted. "He should know better than to listen to you when you're like this," he explained before slamming the door on his way out.

Ric sat down on the edge of the desk and looked down on her. She looked anywhere but up at him, her eyes eventually locking onto her own arms. In her line of sight was her scar, from when she had defended herself last year, and she remembered all the reasons she did this to herself. People couldn't be trusted. She was living – though only by the skin of her teeth – proof of that.

"This has got to stop," he sighed.

"Really?!" she barked a humourless laugh that sounded painful even to her. "You're telling me what to do now, are you?"

He just shook his head and Serena knew her behaviour was testing his patience. "As your partner I feel it's my right, if not my duty!" he replied. She stood up, trying to come across as threatening rather than defensive; she had learned many years ago that the difference between the two was the difference between looking weak and looking strong.

The problem was that she had allowed him to get to know her too well. He could see right through it all and though she hated acknowledging it, she knew it. He tried to take her hand but she instantly yanked it away. "Alright, this is nothing to do with not wanting to be touched!" he announced. He was frustrated now. "Michael was standing there rubbing your shoulders, for Christ's sake!" he reminded her, his voice rapidly rising.

"And?"

"And that should be me doing that for you!" he yelled. "Not Michael bloody Spence! He's your friend. I know that. I have no issue with that! But you should be able to come to _me_!"

Serena met his gaze, uncomfortable that tears were still silently flowing from her eyes. She loved him to bits but she couldn't bring herself to force everything upon him.

"I knew what I was signing up for when I kissed you for the first time," he told her. "I knew I was signing up for sleepless nights and nightmares and panic attacks and a fear of the dark. I knew I was signing up for good days and bad days, and that the bad days would be horrible. But I went ahead and kissed you anyway. I went ahead and moved in with you and Eleanor. I've taken on your daughter as if she were my own!" he reminded her. "Why would I take all of that on if I didn't love you?!"

She didn't answer for a moment; he was right, of course. Said so bluntly it sounded odd to her. To be reminded she did not act as most did, that she was plagued with psychological barriers many lived their lives without, and that he had fallen in love with her regardless hurt her heart a bit.

That didn't, however, negate the fact he and Eleanor were better off without her. "I don't need you," she asserted, wiping tears from her cheeks. "You're better off without me and I'm fine without you."

"You're going mad, Serena!" Ric shouted harshly. "Admittedly you were probably halfway there before Mariah showed up but now you're completely losing the plot and everyone else is not only worried but wondering how long it'll be before Hanssen has you sectioned!"

Before she could stop herself, she slapped him hard across the face – Jac Naylor was not the only one with a temper.

She realised too late that those harsh, coarse words had been an attempt at drumming sense into her. Now she had thrown a base at Eleanor, slapped Ric and had allowed Jac to hit Mariah. What on Earth had got into her?!

She didn't notice that immediately after striking Ric, her hands had come up to cover her mouth. She had never thought she would ever have hit him; she was not normally a violent person. The fear and trepidation had changed her into this.

She watched Ric's face carefully. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm so sorry." A flash of anger crossed his face before he gently pulled her hands away from her face.

He shook his head slightly and kissed her softly; she felt his lips against hers and her subconscious allowed it against her better judgement. She kissed him back carefully and felt his hand light on her face and his arm around her waist, pulling her body carefully into his. She had forgotten that he was always so careful with her. Always so loving.

She pulled away from their kiss with the renewed realisation that he was right. "Now," he said with a small smile. "Why don't you stop this insanity and come home?"

"I can't come home," she whispered. "Not yet. I need space until this blows over. You've seen what I've been like and I can't risk hurting Eleanor again. Something just comes over me when I get desperate and there's nothing I wouldn't do," she explained, hoping he would understand.

"But you'll come home once everything's calmed down?" he asked her. It was again against her better judgement that she nodded, effectively promising to face her daughter.

"Eleanor. How is she?" Serena asked. She had tried not to think of her daughter because it only ever brought pain, regret and self-hatred when she recalled the last time they saw each other.

"Shaken," Ric allowed. "Worried. Upset."

"How much have you told her?"

"Everything I know, which, admittedly, isn't as much as you could tell her," he added. The look her gave her was laden with meaning and she couldn't deny the truth in his words. Serena only took a deep breath; strangely, she wanted to cry again. And again she couldn't stop it when it came.

Ric wiped her tears away and put an arm carefully around her neck, pulling her into a tight cuddle. She felt secure in his arms. While she was wrapped up in his embrace nothing could hurt her. "I love you, Serena," he told her softly into her ear. "No matter how mental you get, that isn't going to change."

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**Hope this is OK!  
Please feel free to review and tell me your thoughts!  
Sarah x**


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